Just Mumbling

First of all, don’t get your hopes too high because, unless you’re Noah, you’ve got less than .0000001% chance of surviving.

1. OK. Right now you’ve got 18 months to raise one billion Euros. Don’t invest in Microsoft.
2. Around 2011, start listening to crazy radio talk shows. One of them might be right.
3. It’s the beginning of 2012 and the U.S. market is gonna crash in a few months. Stock up on portable gadgets. (iPods, iPads, etc.)
4. It’s now the middle of 2012. Have you raised one billion Euros? No? You are officially doomed. Become a Christian. If you have, you may now spend it all on an ark ticket. It may be a bit pricey but believe me, it’ll be the best purchase you ever made.
5. To escape L.A. and the impeding cloud of poisonous gas you will have to fly a plane. Are you a pilot? No? You are now officially doomed. Become a Christian. (But be quick.)
6. You now are flying in a plane trying to get to China and you don’t have enough fuel. You need to make the ship as light as possible. Try getting rid of the 20 expensive cars you brought along for no good reason. (But leave one to escape on.)
7. Good! You have now made it to an ark…. but they closed the doors on you. Oh well. You win some you lose some. (Become a Christian.)
8. Are you above the age on 5? Do you still wet the bed? You do? Go through a horrible disaster involving 99.99% of the population of the world dying and you’ll never wet the bed again! HOORAY!
9. You have now survived the darkest chapter of human history. Good for you. Keep in mind that it will happen again in 604,000 years. So prepare accordingly! (You should still become a Christian.)

1. When you’re the head of a crazy expensive avatar project, it’s probably best not to yell at the guy who’s funding you.
2. It might be best to wait until you’ve got something other than a hospital gown on before running madly about flashing your Na’vi butt all over the place.
3. Form time to time you may find yourself being chased by a horrible black Pandora monster. If you have to jump down a waterfall to escape one, try hard not to belly flop. Ow.
4. You might not want to go into a village full of scantly clad people on a windy day. (Some very awkward moments might arise.)
5. With the built in USB in your hair, you can communicate with your Pandora horse, tell it what to do, and even share media files! GEEKS UNITE!
6. Do you want to get rich quick? Grab some buddies, hoist up the fallen hometree, and sell it to the paper industry. You are now a multi-billionaire. But really you’re still broke because now everybody uses futuristic iPads.
7. Have you practiced jumping off a man-eating flying Pandora beast on to a bigger man-eating flying Pandora beast? And why not?
8. It’s 2153 and a swarm of Na’vi are coming to attack you. You could boot up the force-fields….but you don’t have any. Apparently they haven’t been invented yet. COME ON! You’ve replaced paper with iPads!
9. You’re mining a planet outside of our solar system! You’ve mastered the science of genome! And yet you have no FORCE FIELDS?
10. If you find yourself mounting a giant attack against the humans, you should try asking the Pandora goddess to help you by controlling the animals. Wait a minute. That sounds like email! And the tree of souls, that’s the Pandora Internet! Who scripted this movie? Steve Jobs!? GEEKS UNITE!
11. Here’s a good idea, start teaching human first aid at the Na’vi school that the humans started. That way if the window breaks and you can’t reach a mask, a Na’vi will know to put one on you. Very convenient.
12. Extra tip: Better start living it up now, because in 150 years Jake Sully will refer to us as a “dying world.” Thanks a lot, James Cameron.

Bear promises to be more careful in the future.

Lindsey tests her Jedi skills in the garage.